you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
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While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
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Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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