Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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