I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
