I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
