im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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