Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
