Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
