good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
