I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
