My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Randomize
