Are we in a gay sports bar?
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
