And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
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