happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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