how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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