i wish starbucks made bloody marys
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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