I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
3 2 1 whiskey
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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