well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
