At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
