dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
