Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Drunk is not a location!
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
