just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
fuck your aforementioned shoe
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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