Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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