You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
