I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
