Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
