I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
