I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
