The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
