I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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