turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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