Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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