he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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