Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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