If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
