we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
