I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
