I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
