He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
