We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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