where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
