i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Soap is not a condiment
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
this will be a night to untag.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
