so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
