Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
