Your face is a jimmy john
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
