Your dad touched me again.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
