We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
When did angry sex become our thing?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
i now understand why vodka
I just gargled with NyQuil
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