do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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