My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
