My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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