God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
