ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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