Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
