I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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