He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
