Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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