I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
