I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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